Been awhile since the last post. Been an awful few months. Was gardening this morning and couldn’t get the damn plants to separate, so I did it with my teeth. A serious pyrhhic victory if I’ve ever seen one–fortunately the neighbors didn’t see (I don’t think anyway), or they might have called the van to take me on a little getaway to the nearest nuthouse.
Facing incredible amounts of rage from my ego. Working as a janitor. Tried a waiter job, but started having panic attacks and couldn’t look people in the face. On breaktime was running into the bathroom and crying in the stall.
I can handle, if that is the right word, the janitor job. Still, it’s filled with so much psychic violence. The brutality of the hourly wage life. So much pain in their lives–baby mama drama, drugs, tobacco, alcohol, strip joints, incarceration & suicides in the family, pervasive cheating, child support, multiple children from multiple fathers, immigrants lost in anomie. Never ending cycle.
At least the panic attacks have subsided. Almost had one yesterday, but pulled the car over and did a little primal scream therapy. That helped.
The world is so fucked.
I still, at times, feel the current of bliss–watching the sea of humanity roll past me, on cell phones talking to their loved ones, hurrying from place to place in this nightmarish rat-maze. I have glimpses of the beauty and allrightness of it, but mostly all I feel is sorrow and loneliness, witnessing it all, even Chris, alone wiith the Alone.
In those moments, death would be a great sleep, a gentle release. It’s a choice mostly between that state and the non-stop insane chattering and self-reflexive laceration of the ego, the horrific constant, unending, mind-numbing focus on time. 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Just 10 more minutes til the 15 minute break. Just four more days until my off days….Just five more weeks until I quit.
I miss Chloe so much. She is my soul companion. My bride. See her for a week, then another year away. Til then, it’s hard to see the joy. A year until her and (please God) re-starting studies.
I’ve gone too far to compromise on the gross level, but not far enough to be okay with what is, what I’ve chosen. Wrenching place. No blame though. No existential crisis any longer, questioning God or whatever, the problem of evil, etc. All of that is gone. It doesn’t even make sense in this frame anymore. I’m sure it did once. I’m sure in a certain worldspace those issues are relevant phenomena. Not in this one. Where they have went, is anyone’s guess. They are simply gone.
When I “gaze” into what must have been that place, all I intuit now is clear space. I can reflect either on my past experiences with those doubts or imagine others, but the actual felt presence of that struggle has dissolved.
The contrast is stronger. The beauty, in its rare glimpses, is more beautiful. My heart is stronger for her. Much of the fear with her has subsided. God I need to write more. This does really help, really clear the field.
Somehow it returns me to MINNE (LOVE). I am still aware of being AWARE. Not AWARENESS PER SE. Not MINNE qua MINNE.
What are these signifiers–MINNE, LOVE, AWARENESS, EMPTINESS? Meaningless words, ripples on the surface of Now.